I made a choice last night, to be brutally honest, and stand up for my 5 year old daughter, Claire.
In 2009 I left her father, CF, about a month before she turned a year old. I’ve written about it extensively in my zine when the crash meets something solid and it’s also come up in some of the pieces on this blog and http://www.wtcmss.wordpress.com (specifically in the creative non-fiction piece “Mother is the Water of the World.” So, this won’t be the most detailed thing I’ve ever written about it.
Anyways, since my Order for Protection expired against CF in late 2012, I have worked very hard to be kind and civil. I have encouraged his relationship with Claire, even though that has consisted of 1 hour long visit at Cupcake in Mpls and a smattering of phone calls. He has seen his child once since September of 2010.
He is court-ordered to pay $53 a month in child support. I long ago made peace with the fact that his payments will always be as late as they legally can be, and the bare minimum. The past 2 months in a row, he’s offered to send extra money, and then not. No mention of his offer, no explanation, just not followed through.
When I confronted him about this, his response was along the lines of “how dare you be so petty and try to instigate negativity” etc etc.
It took me a while to find the words for why the child support thing had suddenly started bothering me – it was an excuse. A way for me to avoid the real issue.
For over a year, CF has been talking about getting a car and coming up to visit Claire, or have her spend weekends at the home he shares with his partner (FR) and their 18 month old (?) daughter. I’ve always acted supportive of this plan, because I knew it wasn’t going to come to fruition. Neither one of them work, and scrape by on FR’s disability payments. I think CF has given me about 10 different “FOR SURE” dates he would have a car and come to see Claire.
I don’t want him around Claire. That’s the real problem. That’s the root issue. CF is a narcissistic sociopath. One of the last times we talked on the phone, he launched into this huge story about how he had gone to Walmart to buy a television, which turned out to be out of stock. He bragged about how “by the time he was through with those clowns” he had gotten the floor model at a huge discount, and a $300 gift card to compensate him for his trouble. He then told me about a defective microwave he had purchased on a recent Walmart shopping binge (the day he told me this story, his May child support payment was 3 days late already), and how he had plans to return it to one of the “classier” Walmarts out in the suburbs and try to get a similar result.
There are a million other things like that I could type here, a thousand anecdotes of his self-centered, materialistic nastiness I could repeat, but I won’t. I don’t want my daughter learning what he has to teach. My partner, Jake, and I do our best to teach Claire and Jorah to operate with an open and loving heart in everything they do.
And I had to tell CF why I don’t want him around Claire. Because I worry about not only her physical safety with him (I am somewhat skeptical of his recent claims of sobriety, and I know FR has a son she no longer has custody of), and what he’ll teach her on a basic moral and human level.
If he was a super involved dad and I happened to disagree with his political or religious views, that would be one thing. But he’s not. He’s seen his child once since 2010. And he always has an excuse. I can’t imagine not seeing either one of my children for that long. It would drive me insane. I do feel bad for him, but I don’t trust him. And I would never leave either one of my children in the care of a person I didn’t trust.
I can’t do it just to be “nice” and “give him a chance.” Not when it feels wrong all the way deep down into my guts. I have to listen to that.
Practical Redemption 
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