I made a choice last night, to be brutally honest, and stand up for my 5 year old daughter, Claire.
In 2009 I left her father, CF, about a month before she turned a year old. I’ve written about it extensively in my zine when the crash meets something solid and it’s also come up in some of the pieces on this blog and http://www.wtcmss.wordpress.com (specifically in the creative non-fiction piece “Mother is the Water of the World.” So, this won’t be the most detailed thing I’ve ever written about it.
Anyways, since my Order for Protection expired against CF in late 2012, I have worked very hard to be kind and civil. I have encouraged his relationship with Claire, even though that has consisted of 1 hour long visit at Cupcake in Mpls and a smattering of phone calls. He has seen his child once since September of 2010.
He is court-ordered to pay $53 a month in child support. I long ago made peace with the fact that his payments will always be as late as they legally can be, and the bare minimum. The past 2 months in a row, he’s offered to send extra money, and then not. No mention of his offer, no explanation, just not followed through.
When I confronted him about this, his response was along the lines of “how dare you be so petty and try to instigate negativity” etc etc.
It took me a while to find the words for why the child support thing had suddenly started bothering me – it was an excuse. A way for me to avoid the real issue.
For over a year, CF has been talking about getting a car and coming up to visit Claire, or have her spend weekends at the home he shares with his partner (FR) and their 18 month old (?) daughter. I’ve always acted supportive of this plan, because I knew it wasn’t going to come to fruition. Neither one of them work, and scrape by on FR’s disability payments. I think CF has given me about 10 different “FOR SURE” dates he would have a car and come to see Claire.
I don’t want him around Claire. That’s the real problem. That’s the root issue. CF is a narcissistic sociopath. One of the last times we talked on the phone, he launched into this huge story about how he had gone to Walmart to buy a television, which turned out to be out of stock. He bragged about how “by the time he was through with those clowns” he had gotten the floor model at a huge discount, and a $300 gift card to compensate him for his trouble. He then told me about a defective microwave he had purchased on a recent Walmart shopping binge (the day he told me this story, his May child support payment was 3 days late already), and how he had plans to return it to one of the “classier” Walmarts out in the suburbs and try to get a similar result.
There are a million other things like that I could type here, a thousand anecdotes of his self-centered, materialistic nastiness I could repeat, but I won’t. I don’t want my daughter learning what he has to teach. My partner, Jake, and I do our best to teach Claire and Jorah to operate with an open and loving heart in everything they do.
And I had to tell CF why I don’t want him around Claire. Because I worry about not only her physical safety with him (I am somewhat skeptical of his recent claims of sobriety, and I know FR has a son she no longer has custody of), and what he’ll teach her on a basic moral and human level.
If he was a super involved dad and I happened to disagree with his political or religious views, that would be one thing. But he’s not. He’s seen his child once since 2010. And he always has an excuse. I can’t imagine not seeing either one of my children for that long. It would drive me insane. I do feel bad for him, but I don’t trust him. And I would never leave either one of my children in the care of a person I didn’t trust.
I can’t do it just to be “nice” and “give him a chance.” Not when it feels wrong all the way deep down into my guts. I have to listen to that.
Practical Redemption 
Oct 01, 2014 @ 17:06:29
Mom decisions can be tough.
My oldest daughter’s father, NL, physically, verbally, and mentally abused me since I was 5 months pregnant with her. Kicking, punching, pushing, pinching, choking. He also stalked me at work and at home, he threatened, controlled, and harassed me, spread lies about me, and kept my child(ren) from me on several occasions. This went on for years. After he raped me, not the first time but the most aggressive time, I finally left. He has not spent time with my oldest daughter since she had just turned three (she is 9.5 now), and has never helped to support her. He has no interest in her, beyond keeping her from me because I want her. And I am okay with him being out of the picture, since he abused her, too.
I have another child with him. He has custody of her, because my oldest and I could not be around him regularly and he would not give me both children, even though he didn’t want either of them. I do pay child support to her. He and I both swore in court that we would keep the girls together. And, we did, though most of the time he ignored my requests for visits or blew me off. It was always felt like I was standing on a precipice. I had to be so careful not to upset him, because I knew he would take away the few visits I did get to have with my other daughter. After what I went through with him, part of my healing process was to report him to the police. I did. He found out and retaliated by keeping my other daughter away from me. I have seen her once since Christmas 2012. It is heartbreaking.
I have PTSD, and because of the severe anxiety about this situation I have started taking medication. I should do yoga, and more journaling, and spend time with others, and relax more. I know what I should do… It is actually doing these things that can be tough. My children are my #1. Some days I only make mom decisions. I need to remember to take care of me.
My son (5) has a different father. He has seen our son for about a day every couple of months for almost three years. He is also a narcissist, which is a large part of why I left. But, he doesn’t understand that there is something wrong with him… Because in his eyes, he is perfect… Just as he believes he is a perfect father. Even I know that I am not a perfect mother, but I try my best, and I am involved in their lives every day, or as often as I am allowed to be given the situation with my second child.
I will never understand how some people can have such little interest in their children, but making decisions as a mother is something I am still learning, and as I evolve so does my decision making. I am still learning to trust my gut, too. I am naturally a people pleaser, I have been “nice” and given far too many chances. It’s a process.
Currently I am preparing to take my ex back to court for custody of my second daughter. So much anxiety over this, over seeing him again, over the possibility of him finding out where I live, over his next retaliation. But I cannot live my life as though I am okay with what he is doing. I think about her every day. I need to know that I am doing my best. I need her to know it, too.
Making mom decisions can be tough. Sometimes just being a mom is tough enough.
Oct 06, 2014 @ 16:41:53
Amber –
Wow. Thank you so much for sharing your story. I will be sending you love and positive vibes as you prepare to go to court. I am so amazed at your strength and determination. Your children are so fortunate to have you as a mother. i can really relate to ” . . . making decisions as a mother is something I am still learning, and as I evolve so does my decision making. I am still learning to trust my gut, too. I am naturally a people pleaser, I have been “nice” and given far too many chances. It’s a process.” Thank you! Beautifully and perfectly put. I have always enjoyed your work in the classes we’ve taken together, and am proud that we’ll be publishing your work in the next issue of “when the crash meets something solid.”
If you would ever like to do some yoga, let me know! I would be more than willing to give you some private sessions. And don’t ever let money keep you away from any of my classes at the Folk School. I have PTSD as well, and yoga has been such a gift – I want to share it with as many people as possible.
Sending you all the best, and hoping you will soon be reunited with your daughter.