The Saga Continues . . . (or, Yet Another Opportunity to Work on my Samskaras)

So, my daughter’s biological father, CF, strikes again.  In my 6/21 post Mom Decisions I touched on some recent issues with his lack of involvement in my daughter’s life.  This has always been a touchy subject.  CF makes no real effort to be involved in his daughter’s life, but God help you if you will not participate in his fantasy rendering of himself as a loving father who just happens to be experiencing a bit of a rough patch.

On August 18th (maybe 19th) my partner and I were hanging out in our studio.  It was past 10pm, both the kids were asleep, and we were looking at some of our Snotter Press zine materials, talking about some upcoming projects (which, for the record, will be rad and I will keep you all posted).  Suddenly there was very aggressive banging/knocking on the kitchen door.  We opened the door to find a very tall Scandinavian looking police officer.  “Gabrielle Congrave?”  he demanded.

I confirmed my identity (uneasily), and the officer informed me he had been sent to my home at the request of CF on a welfare check.  He needed to make sure my daughter, Claire, was safe.  I told him she was sleeping, and he demanded that I wake her.  He then followed me into the house, into my bedroom, where my daughter was sleeping in my and Jake’s bed.  He made me wake her up and bring her out to the kitchen.  He asked her if she was ok.  She was frightened and bewildered, but confirmed that she was fine.  He then suggested she leave the room so he and I could talk.

Jake went into the studio with Claire, leaving the door partially ajar, and got her set up with her kiddie keyboard.

The officer informed me that CF had sent him to my home to establish Claire’s safety.  He told me that he saw nothing of concern, but indicated CF had mentioned the possibility of both marajuana and Claire being “in danger”.  He asked if I had any paperwork to prove I had full legal and physical custody of Claire.  I told him I did have some paperwork from the OFP and OFP extension I had been forced to get against CF in 2009 and 2010, and possibly the Parenting Time decision from 2012 (in which the judge ruled CF would have no unsupervised visitation of Claire until a pattern of supervised visitation had been established).  I said it was in my son’s closet and I could get it if he needed me to.  He made a dismissive noise and told me I didn’t need to.

He went on to tell me that CF was demanding to speak to his daughter.  I told him my phone had been off for about a month and I was waiting to get a new one, since my current phone had begun to randomly power off and had gotten pretty beat up over the years.  The officer indicated that CF said he had called, left numerous voicemails and text messages, and tried to reach me every way he knew how.

This is untrue.  My phone had kept a record of my call history from 6/2/2014 to 7/11/2014 (when I shut the phone off during our family vacation).  During that time, there were no calls from any of the 8 numbers I had saved in my phone as CF’s (keep in mind, the OFP expired in November of 2012, at which point I let him start calling to talk to Claire again – 8 different phone numbers in less than 2 years).  There were 2 calls from what I later learned was his home number – one the night of 6/28. and one the morning of 6/29.  I had attempted to call the number back 2x late morning 6/29, but the voicemail box was not set up, and there was no answer.

Furthermore, I had told CF in the past that I let my phone lapse sometimes, and I may be going without one for awhile, so if he needed to, to contact me at my place of work, or on Facebook.  He had not attempted to call my place of work, and the only Facebook messages I received from him were so nonsensical and littered with insults and threats I did not bother to read them.

Anyways, the officer advised me that CF could, if he so desired, send the police to my house every night on such welfare checks.

After the officer left, Claire wanted to know why the police had come to our house.

So, I had to make a mom choice.  I could either lie and cover for CF, give her some faerie and unicorn story (“Oh the police come and check to make sure all the little girls are safe at night.”)  Or.  Or.  I could tell her the truth.  So, I told her the truth.  I told her that CF had made up a nasty story about Jake and me so the police would come to our house.

The next day I filed for a harassment restraining order.  I checked my Facebook account before doing so, and found a long message, insulting me, referencing my past as a sex worker, saying things like “Does Jake know all the things you’ve done to me?”  and “Victim of Viktor (his spelling)?  You sure loved that 2-3k in your purse each day.”

What really disturbed me about his message, and his subsequent affidavit (which I will not post here because such blatant mockery is unkind) is that he still, after all this time, does not think his behavior should have consequences.  He says the “sadly we could not work it (our relationship) out.”  Our relationship did not end because we “couldn’t work it out.”  He abused me verbally, emotionally, and sexually while we were together.  The final straw came when he violently assaulted me while I was holding Claire (11 months old at the time).  I left him, saying I needed some time to think, and instead of giving me time, he proceeded to call and threaten me and members of my family until I decided to get an OFP.

Our hearing was set for 10/27, but of course he got a continuance.  Probably because he couldn’t afford to come up here or doesn’t have transportation or needs more time to concoct some really nasty stories to present in court.

Regardless, it’s been a very stressful time for me and my family.  So, I’ve been meditating every day, repeating mantra throughout the day to derail negative thoughts, and have reinvigorated my personal practice and my teaching practice.  I have had to withdraw from 2 of my 4 classes at Bemidji State University due to anxiety/stress, but I’m using this as an opportunity to focus more fully on the 2 I am still enrolled in.

I’ve also begun working with Kapalbhati Pranayama, the skull shining breath.  I haven’t really done much with pranayama in my personal practice, other than the 3 part Dirgha breath, and Nadi Shodhana.

Most importantly, I’ve come to realize that I have a fear samskara (samskaras are imprints left on the subconscious mind by experience in this or previous lives, which then influence all of one’s nature, responses, states of mind, etc.), which predisposes me to anxiety.  So, I’ve been working on that.  In fact, recently I have had the experience of my body having panic attacks, while my mind watches, only occasionally getting pulled into the panic as well.  And I’ve been able to pull it back.  Not immediately, but this is a huge step for me.

I owe so much to Jake in this.  I was really getting kind of basket case-y as the original court date drew closer, and he sat me down and reminded me of who I was.  He said “You’re a yogi.  You don’t HAVE to feel this way.  You’ve trained and worked so you can have a choice.”

It’s always strange to make that choice.  But so liberating.  I still get stuck in my old patterns (I’m sure my tone at different points throughout this post shows that), but now I have the choice to step off that old tired path.  It is an ongoing practice.  Every day.  But I am making a choice to let go of fear.  I just keep having to remind myself “You don’t have to be afraid today.  Today, just breathe.”