12-01-2014

I recently made the decision to get back on my Prozac and Klonipin. Believe me, it was not a fun decision to make. I was (and am) so proud of myself for being able to ween off my medications, and use lifestyle and herbs to help deal with my symptoms of PTSD, depression, and anxiety.

I began to notice more and more turmoil and “slavering dog” style self-hatred going on inside of me about 2 months ago. I also started exhibiting little self-destructive behaviors – stress eating, poor money management, lack of follow through, sneaking cigarettes, turning down opportunities that could benefit me and my family, etc. I just was no longer feeling the kind of spark and enthusiasm that I usually do. I was getting downright sullen.

My interactions with my family also started to feel a little forced. I love and adore my partner and our 2 children, but I was starting to feel trapped by my children. I noticed that I wasn’t really looking at my daughter like I used to. I wasn’t making eye contact with her as much, and my body language with her was becoming very closed off. That is not the kind of mother I am, and certainly not the kind of mother I want to be.

Even though I was able to function pretty well off my medications, I think a combination of factors tipped the scales – the stress from dealing with CF’s harassment (court December 8th – finally), the chronic tooth pain I’ve been dealing with (extraction December 29th – I am counting down the days), a dip in my finances, and, of course, the decrease in sunlight that accompanies MN winter.

I am disappointed in myself, to a degree. But it’s not like I was some drugged up loafer when I was on meds and my whole life began to sparkle once I got off them. I did my yoga teacher training while medicated. I started Swastha Yoga while medicated. I wrote many issues of “when the crash meets something solid”, started Snotter Press with Jake, and gave birth to my son at home with nothing but essential oils for pain management.

I know that my medication doesn’t change who I am as a person. And I know that taking it does not make me a bad or weak person. It doesn’t make everything better, or cure all my ills. On medication and off of it, my quality of life is greatly influenced by the lifestyle choices I make. But it does help.